No one told me it would hurt this bad. No one said that having children was like having your heart walk around outside your body. No one said that having a child was the complete dying of self every single day. No one said watching them grow was like trying to catch the wind. No, no one said that the moment they stop being babies and turn into little girls would take your breath away because you can't keep them, you can't stop them, and you can't freeze time. No one mentioned that the moment you decide to be done having children, everything seems to go in slow motion. And as I watch my littlest grow, I can't help but to grasp on to each moment just a little bit longer. Because no one ever told me.
I have found myself in this middle ground between peace and angst. Between relief and longing. To experience conflicting emotions at the same time can make you feel undone. This season of my life, the one I am leaving and the one I am entering...it's a pure mix of emotions. Like trying to keep your head above water with the crashing of the waves, like trying to keep your eyes open, wide open so you don't miss a single thing. There are major transitions in motherhood we will go through, and handling them well can feel like trying to stop time...impossible.
The moment you become a mother, there is a transition in your diet, sleep, intake of water, vitamins, etc. You are suddenly aware of your ever growing stomach, the pains, and aches. You feel the need to constantly google every symptom, and double check if this sandwich you are about to eat is safe, or how much caffeine can I really have in a day? Or will this nausea really ever end? It is all transition from making one little life much more important than your own. And that is only the beginning.
"What transition was harder? One to two or two to three?" I get this question a lot, and honestly it was zero to one. When Harper came into the world my transition was shaky, unstable and fear driven. What if I can't do this? What if I am not the best? What if I drop her? (I did by the way, but she is fine) What if I don't know what decisions to make? (I didn't, still don't but so far so good) And what if what if I completely fail at being selfless and meeting her needs? And then Jesus said, "Love her like I love you."
Now here I am, Harper is soon to be five, and Paisley just turned three, and my little Sky baby is 19 months and I cannot slow them down for a second. The little dimples on their knuckles are fading away, the baby toys are being packed up, and no one told me that when you know it's time to be done having children that there is an ache in your heart because it all is coming to an end, but at the same very moment...a start of something new and beautiful. When your children are young, they break you, and make you and shape you. You never knew a four year old could humble you to your knees, and this area of your life that you knew so well...well it's time to step into a new one, a new season that you know nothing about. You see it's the transition that can leave you afraid. It's the unknowns of what lies ahead and all the thousands and thousands of more decisions that you have to make that can keep you up at night.
But you know what I think? I think the transitions are the seasons that show us who we are, Whose we are. The transitions in life are those moments of going from the known to the new. And the new isn't meant to scare us, it is meant to solidify to us that the God who walked with you through all of your past is paving the way through this next path. It's faith in action, it's trust in His word that it doesn't return void, that my unsettled shakiness will lead me to His unbreakable readiness to come in and show up for me because that's who He is and that's what He does. And in an ever changing world we can always count on an unchanging God.
The transitions in life are those moments of going from the known to the new.
So if, today, this month, or this year is a transition for you like it is for me. Exhale Hard. And breathe in deep. Breathe in deep the truth, the predictable, sound, real, raw ever consistent truth that He is one step a head of you. Because honestly how your little ones take on new adventures knowing that we are right beside them, I think that's the way it's supposed to be for us...knowing He is right beside us.
Here's to looking ahead.
I’m Heather a blessed wife and mama to four little souls who always keep me wild and free. My goal is to uplift and inspire as I share my life with you. Thanks for stopping by!